THANKYOU BRITNEY/ EDIT2*

BRITNEY SPEARS!

Just watching this makes me so excited, you have no idea. I'm typing at like a million miles per hour. Haha. WOOOO!

Ok, down to business. Today, without the stupid parts, is another one of those days when I can wake up and call the not-boyfriend and talk about my dreams. I've been having a lot of sex dreams lately, idk why. And they're all set in like, Madrid or the Mediterranean or Havana or somewhere pretty humid. Haha. I love waking up and just talking and laughing for a while before I gotta get up and go. And I like spending the day thinking about what I'm gonna do and relaxing. Haha, hmm, I think I'm gonna start using my blog as like, a check-up on myself. Well, I do, but mmm, even moreso.

I'm going to try this thing where all week, starting after I post this, I'll be drinking water and green tea. Then, I'll sprulge on whatever at Sadies! Yea baby! We're planning to go to (AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION) but I'm definitely gonna post up pics like crazy. I remember last time we tried getting Cuervos. Even though I've been on such a health nut trip, there's a part of me that's like OMG I wanna fuckin roll some shit up and de-stress. Or, OMG I wish I knew people that would wanna get fuckin wasted with me. I know a few... haha. But right now, I need to get my act straight. As in, study my ass off and make sure I got everything in check. My parents and I haven't been talking for like, the past two or three days, and as unhealthy as that is, I know what I need to do. I need to get back to the fuckin top of my class, and you know what, I'm gonna do it. With or without them, it's alright. No hate, no dislike, just minding my own business now cuz I need to get my business on my mind. The distractions I've already cut out are MySpace and shopping. Okay, maybe not shopping but I've definitely got something to say about that!

As of late, I've been a brokeass. Haha. I don't know where my money went. Winter Formal, most definitely. The chocolates for Sadies. I don't know where I'm gonna get the cash for the night OF Sadies. I can't use my Gold Card because it'll show on the purchases that I totally ditched the drop-off location and redevooh'd with the not-boyfriend to the (UNDISCLOSED LOCATION). I'm definitely gonan be not spending this week. That means no Taco Bell. I'm sad already. That was hard to type. And shopping. JEAN, NO SHOPPING. That was even harder to type, I think I popped a blood vessel. Knock on wood. (I just knocked my bedframe, haha)! But there are a few things I've got my eye on. Some practical, some because I'm the kind of girl that likes new clothes and shoes and things. BUT I ACTUALLY USE EM, so I'm not wasteful. Haha. One of these days, I'll make a wishlist for myself. I always do in class most of the time. Haha. Oh damn, school.

Tonight, I need to do crap for Anatomy. Then Math and English. Then... I think Bio. Those are the classes I really need to work on. I figured that if I can't ace Anatomy, I'll try strengthening my other classes. But I'm trying not to lose myself as a person. Sometimes there are days when I lose it and everything just like... blocks out. It's so weird. I'd rather collapse in school again than have the feeling of a broken spirit. But that's why I have people in my life that just bring my spirits up again without trying at all. Not to mention, BRITNEY SPEARS, oh mah goodness gracious. LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE, freaks.

Alright. Time to clean, shower, do assignments, and download Britney's CD. It doesn't matter anymore that my parents won't let me drive, it doesn't matter anymore that my cousins don't care for my grandma. I'm gonna prove to MYSELF that I'm worthy, and I'm gonna be there for my grandma because I am.


EDIT*
Fuckin Imeem won't let me play full length tracks for some reason. Haha screwww yooouuu!

EDIT 2*

My parents called me into my dads office and they were telling me how nasty i was treating them last night. And, I don’t know… All my emotions just burst and they got mad at me for crying like that. I sounded like… I've never cried like that in front of anyone. Only twice. Once I fell to my knees and just sobbed. It was so loud… Think about Cal in the “East of Eden.” When his dad rejected him, he just burst, then he got quiet. And realized this is the way its going to be… And it’s never going to end.

And i swear i went crazy for like, three minutes. They kept blaming someone else and myself for everything. As if someone needs to be blamed... And they started talking about my friends and how i pick the worst people to be friends with. Then they started yelling, “Why aren’t you stronger than this?” and started saying things like, “We should’ve adopted another child,” and, “When I’m old I dont think you'll visit me.” And all those things, plus the stress each day-- it just hit me in the face. And i couldnt be "strong" anymore. And they want me to talk to all my teachers, but they don’t think I can because I’m not a strong person. I’m doubting myself each day and slowly believing that, yes, maybe I’m not strong… Maybe I’m weak… And maybe I don’t belong here or anywhere, because I’m not good enough for anything anymore. That’s why I need a replacement. That’s why I won’t visit them when theyre old and grey.

The more they say it the deeper the dagger goes and I just become… Cold. Not mean or angry and silent, just… Cold. No more warmth. I'll respond without emotion. I'll move if you tell me to, but I'll be blocks of iron. A machine you can probe with a device called Zangle. No more secrets, not even ones I can keep to myself. And where there are none to find, there must be something suspicious… So they call me wild, trying to call me out on the things they think I do. Sex. Drugs. Immorality. I half wish I did. Because they blame me for it anyway, and I'm punished for speculation anyway. The cause of the Great Depression was speculation. People borrowing money because they think they needed to. Then after one slip up, everything crashed into the greatest down of all time… and I'm at the bottom. And I cracked. And got punished for that, too.

I’m okay, though. It’s amazing how I'm not crazy… Or, I must be, but I'm damn good at not showing it. Or... was that it? Even my own outbreak wasn't worthy enough. My parents are not hard to please, but they're hard to reassure once you break the glass. There's no point in putting things back together for them if they already put two and two together on their own. They stand behind their opinion, waving the great banner above their heads, saying, “You're wrong, your opinions don't matter. You never answer back but we'd rather have a child who does. You need to suck up to your teachers and beg them for grades, because the papers say you cannot earn them on your own. You're seventeen, but you'll always be five.” I know it's not true, but I'm starting to believe it. The more it is said, the messier my head. What doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger, it makes death more real. And closer, haunting you. And here is the death of their faith in me: Upon a rock each day, a liver renewed, to be pecked each night by the vultures of my failures. Is this life? Because it never ends. It’s a reoccuring dream, and i know it'll end one day, and so do they.

But until the angels sound the trumpets, and the heavens clear… I'm trapped in a box where it rains hellfire every half hour. They yelled over my crying, “We should be more upset than you. What is this??? You don't deserve to cry this much! We do. You put us on probation.” I don't deserve my own tears… that means…
I'm done ranting.