LEAVING

I'm leaving for San Jose tomorrow. I'll be in Riverside tonight, and I'll be back in Riverside Sunday night. I'll be putting up pictures, I think... I'll be working on homework on the way. My plan is to finish the literary terms and read the mythology book and the Bible. I got CliffNotes for the Bible. Haha, I kindda disappoint myself there, but I'm familiar with some of the passages. As in, I've read them before, on my own time, without obligation to anyone else. I used to be so avid, but I either ran out of time or just fell out of it. I feel guilty, but I haven't lost the inspiration.

A while back, an ex-boyfriend of mine told me he's an athiest now, because he could not fathom a God that did not want me to be first on his list, then God. That hurt me in some ways, but really, it's an individual choice to leave something or come to something. You can't really "can't help" most things, including a state of mind, belief, or series of events that follow.

Lately, I've been helping myself out. I don't wanna just "believe" in something, I wanna be active in it. I'm not talking about my faith, either. The day you decide and begin to help yourself is the beginning of a life renewed. I used to feel ignorant and unworthy when I didn't have the answer to life's questions.

What do I do from here? Where do I go? Who do I live for? Am I supposed to be this way? Am I supposed to change this choice? What about my friends? Am I supposed to care what they think? What am I living for? When is life supposed to really begin? What am I going to do when I get there? What am I supposed to believe? Should I stay or should I go? Is this right? Is this wrong according to what I believe in? Am I supposed to believe in this? Is this real? Am I supposed to question it? Is questioning it getting me anywhere? Who am I supposed to love more? Who loves me the most? Does that matter? If it does, do I love them more? What is love? When does love stop? How do we keep the love alive? What if I don't want to love anymore? Am I capable of loving more? Who loves me? Do I miss that person? Am I supposed to be more at this age than I am right now? What if I failed too much to get back? Am I too far from getting back? Is it still possible? Is there a God? What about all the other religions? What is religion? Is that just a word? What is faith? What is belief? What is truth? What is absolute knowledge? Can I achieve any of those? What if I do and my significant other does not? Do I leave that person? Will that person leave me? Is it possible to mend any wound because of that? Is it possible to heal after problems without being paranoid? Should I just block my mind from paranoia? Should I just trust? Who should I trust? Where does trust come from? Where should my trust go? Am I worthy of the things I want? Am I worthy of the things I need? Am I to decide my worth? Am I do decide my destiny? Am I to decide anything greater than myself and anyone else? Do I govern my own world? Am I in charge? Would it be so bad if I was not in charge? What's the easiest way out? Should I take it? Wouldn't it be easier if I wasn't a Christian? Do I really believe in all the stories of the Bible? Do I believe they can happen again? Doesn't that make me a ridiculous person? Am I right? What makes me right? Do I choose my faith over others? Do I choose my faith over the world? Would I die for what I believe in? Would I lie about what I believe in? What if I don't believe in that? What if I don't believe in anything? Is that my belief? Do beliefs matter? What makes a person? What drives a successful person? Is success something I should aspire for? Do I want money? Do I really need the amount of money I want? Am I ready for everything? Am I ready for a real relationship? Why does it hurt so much? What am I still paranoid? Was it the way I was brought up? Am I scared of losing who I believe is more important than most? Will I lose that person to another? Is there a slight possibility? Should I leave because of that? Do I care what my friends think? Do I value others' opinions over God's? Does God have an opinion that everyone can hear? Do I hear that opinion? How much does it matter to me? Is it real? Is any of this real? Why is this life so short? Is there really an eternity after this? Does that make this all a dream? How do I wake up? Where will I wake up? Does it matter when? What matters the most in life? Will it matter after I die in this world? Is this the only world I have to be concerned about? Should I even go on searching?

I find my peace of mind from all these questions because I am in constant search for the answers. If I never answer any of these, I'll die trying, and I'll be content with my effort, as long as there is an effort that makes my life worth continuing. Some questions are easier to answer than others. I'm not confused because I've already decided to live life the way I want, and if I can't, I assure myself that it'll happen in time. Maybe all we need is time. Maybe I'm just generally optimistic, but I don't let that get in the way of accepting the truth. Maybe I hope too much, but that doesn't exempt me from doubt. Doubt is an excuse to get proved wrong. To be proved wrong is a challenge to compromise, improvise, and improve life.

I'm so excited. I'm leaving. See you later ;]