At times, she can be a real bitch, but I don't blame her. She's just being real, and real people can crack sometimes. But she keeps it strong. Her sisters, and sometimes my dad's sisters, all blame her and put an enormous weight on her shoulders. I never understood when I was about six or seven, but now I know why she is the way she is. She either sucks up the pain and the jealousy and she exceeds expectations, without more than a few words after "just watch". Or, she stands up for her rights as a human being and fights back. Usually, as I've seen in the past, this alone can't change a bad heart, so she moves on, even if they haven't. Life's too short to just plateau and think you're done. To think you're done maturing. Done learning. Done becoming a better person.
I really love my mom. She trusts me, but I genuinely believe her when she can't trust the world. I can't either. That's why I'm not a part of it. She only admitted it once, but she told me she would rather just have me stay with her until I'm thirty years old, then I can get married and move on. At first, I scoffed and went to bed, swearing that will never happen. Now she's always saying how she won't be a part of my life once I hit college. My mind had second that motion the moment I heard it.
But last night, she said something that made my heart stop and remember why she says those things.
"Don't cry... seeing you cry makes me lonely."
I truly never understood why it did, until last night. When nothing about academics, finances, or my sick grandmother bothered my mom at the moment, seeing me cry broke her heart. I'd forgotten a mother's rainstorm over her daughter's tears.
My mom makes me want to grow up and have kids and touch their hearts, too.
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